Surrender First, Then Know The Way.
The Struggle Is REAL If You Don’t Let Go.
A week ago I was determined to be somebody doing something. I was going to get on stage, tell the people what’s what, make tons of money, and finally be fulfilled in life. I was done with coaching. I was ready for more.
More. More. More. That’s the American way!
The very next day, I was hit by a bronchitis train so hard that I barely got out of bed for two days. Fever, cough, and raw lungs.
Two days later, still suffering from a mild fever, I got food poisoning. I smoked cannabis to help with the severe belly pain I was experiencing, but that inflamed my already-irritated throat and now I can barely speak.
Today, I am writing this on my 6th day of being knocked down. I am confessing my sins to you, dear reader, so that I may be set free from this trainwreck.
I have been forced to sit still and listen. I was (not so) gently reminded that:
1. Every time I try and leave coaching or try and make it something else, I get shut down.
I was made a healer. And Spirit always guides this aspect of my journey. I have known this since I was young. I cannot “build a business” out of this. I am divinely led, as are my clients.
But.
I do not like being affiliated with the coaching industry. I find it to be rather icky, honestly.
The coaching industry is unregulated and overrun with corporate drop-outs who have zero training and no idea how to be successful entrepreneurs.
My ego struggles with the identity despite my overall positive relationship with being an actual coach. So, it loves to sneak in the writers’ room and try and change the script.
My ego gives me so many legitimate reasons and plays up other worlds (motivational speaking, writing, design) so that I am totally enthralled with the idea and I drop coaching like a hot potato.
Then comes the train.
2. I must be impeccable with my word: I am a mother + wife first, a business lady second.
In all of my excitement, I witnessed thoughts of travel and then the problem-solving of dealing with the kids and and and...
See, this just doesn’t work. I go around telling everyone all the time that I am a mother and wife first. So how could I intentionally pursue work that makes me travel and be away from my young children?
I have been pushing to make more money lately. I have been obsessing, really. Every time Elijah screams or Lilly won’t stop talking, that ugly voice arrives in my noggin and starts sewing seeds of doubt: You can’t stay home with them. Remember what happened last time? You were miserable. And you made everyone else miserable, too. You have to buy a new car this month and come up with the $3500 for childcare next month. You can’t do this. You can’t do this.
Well, shit.
How can I be a mom first and a business lady second and pay for at least part-time childcare and have time to write and time to make dinner and attend social events and playdates and what about moving in 9 months?
Breath in.
Breath out.
Remember your truth. You are a spirit having a human experience.
Remember your truth. You are prosperity. Your income is in the keeping of Divine Intelligence. Your affairs are guided by the Creator of the Universe.
I am creating this motherhood thing from scratch, as my mother isn’t in my life. And she taught me more of what not to do, than how I naturally feel I should mother my children. So, I question myself a lot. I fear that I can’t handle it and that I am no good. But that’s simply not true, and my heart knows this.
I am grateful that I could get that nonsense off my chest. I forgot myself and I forgot The Way.
But today, I remember. And I am blessed for it.
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