I was almost attacked by a stranger last week.

Photo by Elti Meshau

There are moments in life, when I remember that I am an animal. It terrifies me to see the truth — I am in a vulnerable, limited form and so are my children. Natural disasters, accidents, or atrocities could impair or remove any one of us at any time.

I often tell people, “Be prepared, because once you say ‘yes’ to Spirit, your life may turn upside down quickly!”

This is ever true for me.

I had gotten pretty cushy, pretty bored honestly with this whole life thing. I had been spending a decent amount of time giving energy to ideas like, “what’s the point of all this?” “What am I here to do?” “How can life be more exciting?”

I got my answer, but not in the form I was prepared for.

There is a man who I have seen a handful of times around where we live. He is a tall and lanky Caucasian man with a dark, scraggly beard. His hair is dark, always covered by a dark hood. He seems to only own black clothing. I see him pacing and usually mumbling to himself under his breath. He had always seemed harmless and self-focused.

Until he wasn’t.

It was a very normal, predictable day in my life. We just moved into our new apartment 4 days earlier. This was a big deal since we have been ‘on the road’ for nearly 6 months. We finally had our own place and I was feeling safe and settled for a minute.

Literally a minute.

In the afternoon, my husband and I picked up the kids at daycare and began walking home. I was pulling them in the clunky, red, plastic wagon that they love and we were talking about the day.

We had walked less than 2 minutes when we passed the dark-dressed man on the sidewalk. I smiled, but instead of the normal, cordial smile that I usually receive back from a passerby in this town, he seemed enraged by my friendly greeting as his face twisted into an angry expression.

I was confused by this response and barely had a moment to take it in before I felt fear take over. He passed us, but then quickly turned around and head back in our direction. My stomach twisted and I felt loud signals say, time to move.

His mumbles grew louder as he approached my husband and aggressively shouted, “Where are you going? No where! That’s what I thought!” I immediately started walking faster to get the kids away and simulatenously felt really afraid for my husband.

The man disappeared quickly after expressing himself and the whole experience was less than 5 minutes, but it was certainly enough to really shake me out of my little bubble of pretend protection from the real world, where people do things to hurt others, sometimes for no real reason except that they were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

This incident was strange and a bit disturbing. But after a few minutes, we both let it go as a “fluke” experience in our normally safe town.

The next day, however, I learned an important lesson on listening to instincts.

I was walking with the red wagon to pick up the kids in the afternoon, this time on my own. There is a low income apartment complex right next to their school. As I began crossing the parking lot of the complex, I saw the dark man seemingly come out of no where and head straight towards me, again with intense, aggressive energy. I immediately changed directions and stayed on the sidewalk along the busy road. My intellect and instincts concluded that if I was about to get attacked, it would be better to be in plain sight with lots of witnesses.

It was a short walk down the sidewalk to get to the front doors of the daycare, but it felt like 100 miles. Time seemed to slow down as my pace quickened. I could hear him behind me, mumbling angrily and getting closer.

My head said, “Don’t worry! You are a spirit having a human experience. This all illusion anyway! La la laaaa!” But my body was telling a very different story. This man was clearly angry and his behavior was abnormal, unpredictable, and erratic. It would be foolish to underestimate his ability to hurt me.

I did my best to maintain a cool presence — I wasn’t going to let this man get the best of me! I finally turned the corner and went right into the daycare, at ease in the presence of “normal people.”

As my husband pointed out, his behavior reflected that of a territorial dog, all bark and no bite. But I couldn’t help but feel like an idiot if I chose to subject myself to that situation again.

So I kept the kids out of school all week. I shrunk down into a shell of a person, becoming a total victim of this situation.

Why me, God?? Why now? We just moved in! Give us a few weeks of peace at least!

I had to sit down with my fears and give them a voice. I knew that I was being given an opportunity to check in with my engagement in my reality. What was I really afraid of in this situation?

My Fears.

1. This man will hurt me.
2. This man will hurt my children.
3. This man will take my children.
4. I won’t be able to take them to daycare anymore (and/or feel safe in our commute).
5. I won’t be able to take them to the playground nearby (and/or feel safe there).
6. I will have to hurt or even kill this man in defense of my family.
7. I will get in trouble with the police trying to protect my family.
8. This man could hate me simply because of the color of my skin.
9. I will have tons of anxiety being out with my children alone.
10. I am not safe. And neither are my children.

I called and filed a report with the police department. The officer was very kind and compassionate towards our predicament. He said that unfortunately, there’s nothing they can do unless they catch him in the act. So I should just call the police in the moment. Hmm.

What I have learned so far.

1. I am vulnerable because I have chosen not to adequately train my form — aka I got the hunch to take self-defense classes when Lilly was born. I have ignored that hunch.
2. Walking around with two children and no way to defend myself is very naïve behavior indeed.
3. After speaking with the police officer, I remembered my days as a case manager. I remembered what it was like holding space for people with various mental health issues, like schizophrenia. And what happens when people don’t get their meds on time. I was able to come into a place of compassion for this person.
4. I recognized the opportunity to practice the second agreement from The Four Agreements — Don’t Take Anything Personally. Whatever this man is going through is not about me, even if he hates me because of my skin color any other reason. He is living in his own reality.
5. I had gotten so comfortable with having the kids in care and seemed to forget that they often get sick and that this particular school is not sustainble because of the quality of care and the price. I was to be formulating an exit plan anyway. This event moved that to the forefront of my mind.

Now I find myself in a strange place. I can bring the kids back to school on Monday and model beahvior not rooted in fear. Or I can take this as a sign that it’s time to move forward, both in the evolution of my business to accommodate the demands of being a mother of young children and in getting the kids in a school that supports their personal development better.

I asked my husband to get me mace. And I am now intentionally practicing defense at home with my family. I am no longer taking for granted our safety. But what’s next?

Tell me, what would you do?